Make Greenland Great Again: A Week-Long Saga
DAY ONE
Trump: Bored. Thinking of buying Greenland. Sounds green. Perfect for a golf course.
Everybody: LOLWUT?
DAY TWO
The Failing New York Times: The President made some shopping-themed statements focused on Greenland. Greenland is the world’s largest island and is nominally part of North America. However, it is a territory of Denmark, which is a country in Europe. How extraordinary! Denmark is inhabited by people who are very white, we mean educated, and therefore Danish citizens are welcome in the United States, under the Trump Administration policies.
Greenland: Greenland is not for sale.
Denmark: Greenland is not for sale.
Fox News: President-for-life Trump is buying England for the United States! Yay! What a great president! The American people are the luckiest.
Everybody: England????
Fox News: We mean Greenland. We said Greenland. Stop attacking President Trump.
Rightwing pundits: England is the same as Greenland, they are very close on the map. President Trump’s enemies are always nitpicking.
DAY THREE
Denmark & Greenland: This is ridiculous, Greenland is not for sale.
Trump: Shut the fuck up, Greenish asshole, you’re not even a real prime minister.
Fox News: Greenish asshole insults our great president, who immediately puts him in his place. MAGA! Also MGGA!
Fake News Media to the White House: What is this shit about insulting Greenland’s prime minister?
The White House: The President is, as always, factually correct, because Greenland is Danish territory. Therefore, when the President described the Greenish prime minister as not a real prime minister, he was being absolutely truthful, as he is always.
Fake News Media to Republican lawmakers: Care to comment?
Republican lawmaker #1: Was? I no speak Englisch.
Republican lawmaker #2: I am in Russia, touring the sights and definitely not doing anything nefarious. What, you can’t even go to Russia anymore without being accused of some baroque treason scheme?
Republican lawmaker #3’s staff: Madam Republican lawmaker #3 is washing her hair, have you no shame?
Republican lawmaker #4: People attack the President every day. He’s entitled to defend himself.
Right-wing pundits: Greenish so-called prime minister is not real prime minister, looks Mexican, married his dog, lock him up.
DAY FOUR
Fake News Media: Greenlanders don’t want the US to buy Greenland.
Trump: Fake News! Greenish people love me! They can’t wait to be part of the US and to have their own Trump golf course and to eat great American food!
Fox News: Here, we found some asshole in Greenland who likes President Trump and thinks the US buying Greenland would be a fantastic idea.
Denmark: No, for real, Greenland is not for sale.
Trump: The shithole prime minister of Denmark was on his knees in my Oval Office begging me to buy Greenland. Socialist Denmark is out of money, and he needs to sell Greenland really bad! He was on his knees and said he would do ANYTHING! I said no!
The Failing New York Times: Sexy, elegant President Trump manfully dispels rumors that he wants the US to buy Greenland. Warren campaign in disarray. What a brilliant move by our moderately husky, sexually attractive President!
DAY FIVE
Trump: Denmark has been taking advantage of the United States for too long. They haven’t paid their fair share. I said, if the United States is defending Greenland, we should own it!
The Failing New York Times: The White House is exploring options for acquiring Greenland at no cost to the taxpayers. It’s a brilliant move by the embattled President, whom some have criticized. It would be really difficult for the Democrats to come up with a brilliant move of their own to counteract this one. We like to be fair and to present both sides.
Fake News Media: But what if Denmark won’t give up Greenland?
Trump: Denmark will deeply regret. I told Denmark we have bombs. Our military love me. I am very popular!
Fake News Media to Republican Lawmakers: Uhm…?
Republican lawmakers #1-3: WE ARE WASHING OUR HAIR, GO AWAY!!
Republican lawmaker #4: The President can do what he wants. That’s why he’s the President. War stuff is not Congress’ lane. Congress only regulates domestic shit in accordance with the President’s wishes. It’s in the Constitution.
MoscowMitch(™): I dunno nofin, I’m just here to confirm judges loyal to my boss, and when I say “my boss”, I of course mean President Trump. Quit sticking microphones into my shell, it’s very distracting.
DAY SIX
Trump: Stupid Denmark doesn’t realize our nuclear arsenal is very, very best.
Everybody: Holy shit, are we going to war with Denmark?????
Fake News Media to White House: Holy shit, are we going to war with Denmark????
Trump: I’ve been wanting to make big, yuge boom-boom. The situation in Denmark is very, very bad. We’ll see what happens.
Denmark: We’ve fired our Greenish prime minister and half of our government. But it’s not like we’re a bunch of soft-bellied esthetes who have gotten so used to relations with the US being on autopilot that we’re having trouble growing a spine in the face of a pathetic wannabe fascist clown and his paste-eating goons. Okay?
The White House: All options are on the table. The President of course doesn’t want war. But we’re exploring all options.
Rightwing pundit #1: Fuck Denmark!
Rightwing pundit #2: Here’s a pompous “reasonable” argument for bombing Denmark back to Stone Age. Read it for references to the Hundred Years War battles and gratuitous name-dropping, which prove I’m a bigly intellectual. I once read a book and understood some of it.
Rightwing pundit #3: There’s nothing wrong with conquering Greenland, and maybe even Denmark, because every country that exists today was forged in violent conquest. Would you like to hear how bloodthirsty the Muslims have been throughout history? In my spare time, I like to mock history majors and accuse liberals of not studying history.
Rightwing pundit #4, probably Ben Shapiro: Actually, Greenland is part of Denmark. Therefore, if the United States conquers Greenland, which it will do easily with its superior firepower, Denmark will automatically surrender and be absorbed into the United States. It’s required by law and also science. I am very smart.
Rightwing pundit #5: Greenland is in North America, but Denmark is in Europe. So, that’s colonialism, right? Why are the libs against liberating Greenland?
DAY SEVEN
Fox News: Denmark is capitulating!! We win!! Greenland is ours!!
Trump: Denmark is a shithole.
The Fake News Media: We literally cannot believe the President just said that.
Republican lawmakers: The President has the right to free speech.
Rightwing pundits: Hey everybody! Liberals hate free speeeech!
Kellyanne Conway: What about Hillary Clinton, huh? I wouldn’t touch her with my Ebola fingers if you paid me a hundred bucks.
DAY EIGHT
Trump: Lock her up!
The White House: We are washing our hair.
Fox News: The Hmong: Are they threatening Our Way Of Life a lot, or a whole lot? As a God-fearing Christian and a law-abiding gun owner, here is what you can do.
Trump: Hmong sounds like a sneeze.
The Failing New York Times: Magnificent President Trump deftly avoids war with Denmark, while getting the Danish to bend to his will, thereby sending all the Democratic presidential campaigns into a tailspin. Though some have criticized him, Trump’s grasp of strategy is unparalleled. How can the Democrats ever match President Trump’s successful peacemaking efforts?
Fox News: When will the President finally get the Nobel Prize???
The DOJ: We’re looking into options for punishing people who are trying to restrict President Trump’s freedom of speech.
Republican lawmakers: We’re looking into options to finally get President Trump his Nobel Prize and rescind Obama’s.
Trump: The entire Nobel Prize committee were in my Oval Office on their knees, begging me to accept their shitty Nobel Prize. I said no!
This Ruthless World 