This Ruthless World

Adventures in absurdity

Shutdown Theater: The After-Party

Eugène Delacroix, "Liberty Leading the People" (1830)It was Slow News Time earlier this week, what, with things being pretty much back to normal, so when the President almost caught some lady who almost fainted during his speech, the media went all hog and talked about it ad nauseam. Which, of course, spurred a reaction from conservatives to the effect that the whole thing was staged. Not that it’s insignificant nonsense, mind you — but that it was faked. That makes sense. Because if you are trying to prop up the cult of personality of your favorite Kenyan Muslim Communist Supervillain, you don’t want to stage anything mundane, like for example him rushing into a burning building and saving a dozen babies, or diving into the ocean and fortuitously retrieving some amazingly well-preserved (and clean) 3000-year-old amphorae, or landing like a badass on an aircraft carrier and declaring an end to a war that’s actually kind of still ongoing in a big way. No. You want to awe the world with an act of heroism of gargantuan proportions, like, for instance, a tiny everyday courtesy that’s probably automatic for most people anyway (although, perhaps, not for Lady Patriot or anyone she associates with). Too bad Hussein ibn Obama’s amateurish Sharia Office of Communist Propaganda mucked it all up. This was all “poorly orchestrated drama,” Lady Patriot concludes, with all the authoritativeness of an expert. I bet every time the Usurper holds the door for someone, it’s poorly staged too. Obviously.

Yes, as staged political stunts go, Obama catching that not-really-fainting lady was pretty shoddily executed. And people like Lady Patriot would certainly know a thing or two about this subject. For a lesson on how to execute a stunt properly, look no further than the first day of the 2013 Government Shutdown. You know, that whole scene when a bunch of (alleged) World War II veterans got so intense an urge to go bow to some chunks of granite — in a location that did not see any action in that war, on a day that has no particular significance in World War II history — they stormed that fucker like it was a sausage stand in Moscow circa 1983. Like their freakin’ lives depended on it. Like they were trying to escape a volcanic eruption. With heroic Teabagger Congresscritters urging them on because they just happened to be right there, because History Was Happening.

Assuming that the American public would see this lack of access to a totem as the absolute worst and most outrageous consequence of the Shutdown — as opposed to people not getting their paychecks and missing mortgage payments, which is no big deal, because they are all moochers, anyway — was a particularly nice touch. I can just imagine the Kenyan Muslim Communist Supervillain of their mythology scheming to make Honest Americans suffer:

“Now, how can I make people feel extreme pain by unilaterally shutting down the government that the patriotic House Republicans have shut down? Take away basic nutrition and health care from the babies of some of the most underprivileged and poorest, and historically fucked-over groups in this country? Too mild. Screw the employees of government contractors, who are not technically “federal employees” and will not be getting back pay? Too boring. Murder some cute little puppies by bashing their heads in with a rock, while cackling like a maniac? Nah. Oh! Eureka! I’ll put barricades in front of the World War II Memorial and prevent veterans from entering this holy shrine, without which they can’t live. Yes! This is almost as good as that time when I gave America a big hearty Fuck-You by not wearing a flag pin. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!”

So naturally, we are now going to have an investigation into how the Kenyan Muslim Communist Supervillain made things “as painful as possible” by shutting down national memorials, of all things.

Well played, Teatards. Well played.


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4 thoughts on “Shutdown Theater: The After-Party

  1. themodernidiot on said:

    Oh my Christ I can’t stop laughing!

    You win the award for best-timed use of an expletive, and for working in the word sausage into a political post! My sides hurt!

    “they stormed that fucker like it was a sausage stand in Moscow circa 1983”

    And the Lady Patriots need to officially change their name to the Lady Paranoids. Jesus H. Nutso on a cracker.

  2. That’s some funny shit right there…

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