This Ruthless World

Adventures in absurdity

Friday Ramblings: Odds and Ends

Image by Boaz Yiftach

The Right Name For a Right-Wing Politician

I thank Sarah Palin for really bringing this into focus with the names she and her husband gave their sons, and her comments about “Real Americans”. Over the past ten years or so, a convention arose as to what constitutes an appropriate name for a conservative male politician. Basically, the name must be short and resemble a manly grunt or a belch. Anything else is too effete and border-line communist.

In practical terms, an ideal conservative male name must begin and end with a consonant, although the effeminate and vaguely French “j” is disfavored; additionally, it must contain a maximum of four letters, only one of which may be a vowel, except that names with “ck” in them may contain up to five letters. Nothing serves as a better symbol of a candidate’s life-long commitment to Jesus and such.

At this time, “Rick”, “Mitt”, “Newt” and “Ron” are taken, but there are many others to choose from, such as:

Brick, Brack, Brag, Hag, Gag, Gig, Pig, Dig, Prig, Rig, Rag, Mag, Sag, Bag, Big, Dick, Pick, Prick, Trick, Sick, Tick, Tock, Ruck, Duck, Buck, Fuck, Suck, Muck, Chuck, Chop, Chip, Dip, Rip, Hick, Kick, Cack, Crud, Lack, Bad, Back, Rack, Rib, Bib, Bob, Rob, Fob, Dub, Cub, Club, Lob, Lent, Punt, Runt, Rent, Dint, Dent, Vent, Bent, Gent, Trot, Rot, Hot, Butt, Bit, Sit, Hit, Kit, Kid, Did, Brad, Snap, Grab, Drab, Heck, Dreck, Hack, Best, Cyst, Rock, Bolt, Rod, Track, Truck and Todd Gak,

along with many, many others. God knows, if Rick has his way on birth control, we’ll need all of them.

This week’s whine

The most insufferable kind of movie critic is one who publishes a scathing review of a low-brow film for a high-brow audience. Bonus points if it’s fairly certain the high-brow audience already knows the film is a piece of shit geared towards those members of our society least inclined to intellectual pursuits or good taste in art. Think about it: the critic goes to see a movie he knows stinks so that he can indulge in an unoriginal hate-fest for the benefit of readers who likewise already know the movie stinks, and pat himself on the back for being clever. Double bonus points for the critic portraying himself as a martyr to his art, who courageously suffered through the ordeal so you don’t have to. Triple bonus points for identifying attention-whoring as the reason for the movie’s popularity. The irony is searing.

This week’s proverb

Calamity is the teacher of fools.

This week’s proverb-that-should-be-outlawed

“Even a broken clock is right twice a day.”

… and wrong the other 86400 times. Those times when it is wrong vary in how far it is from accurate, but there is a reason why people don’t rely on broken clocks to tell time. Not even twice a day.


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